Molly
"Goodbye, Archie I'll always love you." I place a single red rose onto the dark brown casket, step back, and watch as the casket is lowered into the vault where my husband's remains will be burned until there's nothing left but ash and dust.
His soul left his body long ago even before he lost his fight with life before he lost his beautiful laugh and smile. Before he lost his cheeky personality and the ability to even dress or talk to anyone including me.
Seven months ago he returned home to me. We had seven months to add to our bond and love. Seven months to create more memories to last a lifetime, and seven months were all we had before he left me with his unfailing faith.
Right until the very end, he held on to his faith with a vice grip and I couldn't ever understand why, I still don't understand why if I'm being honest.
How do you keep your faith in God when you're slowly being taken away in one of the cruelest ways possible? How do you still hold on to that faith when it's doing nothing to help you?
I'll never understand it but for Archie, it was his biggest joy in life, his faith, his love for God, and his love for this exact church which is why I made sure he got one of his final wishes and was cremated here. I may not have understood his views or even agreed with them and I may not have got what I had wished for in life but I made dam sure that he did.
I watch as his family leaves the church looking at me like I'm something they have stood in and I watch as his friends leave giving me killer looks and I don't blame them because knowing what they know they have every right to hate me, every right to wish me harm, to wish that I was in that coffin and not Archie.
I wait for everyone to leave before I do and as I leave the church I'm pulled into arms and for the first time all day, I feel comfort and warmth, not hate or loneliness. "How are you holding up Molls?" I look up to see Thomas's eyes laced with tears, which only brings on my own.
I shrug my shoulders unable to find the words. I want to scream, shout, rip things apart, beg for my husband to return to me but speak? No, I don't want to do that. I don't have the words for that.
His cell rings and he answers it as he pulls me into his side while gently rubbing my arm while I manage to calm down my tears and breathe a little easier.
"Hi, Claire,"
"Yes, I'm on my way now."
"I just had to pop out for some fresh air."
"Of course, I'll be 10 minutes."
"Goodbye, Claire."
He puts his phone back in his pocket before wrapping both arms around me. "I know it may not seem like it now but you will be ok baby girl, I promise." He pulls away from me a little before giving me his famous Thomas grin and despite my pain, I find myself lightly laughing. He is the only person that can make me laugh right now and I'm grateful for it.
"You should head to the wake before Claire calls again." My voice is raw from all the crying I've done today, hell all the crying that I've done over the past 2 weeks since Archies death and over the past 5 months while he's suffered and I've had to watch.
"She'll be fine I'd rather stay with you." I know he means it but Claire already hates me enough without me keeping her son's best friend away from his wake.
"I know and I love you for that but she needs you there. You were his best friend and he was her only son, she's hurting and you comfort her. He goes to talk but I raise my hand to stop him.
"Do it for Archie and do it for me. I hate that I can't be there for her or any of the family but you can be there to help them in my place instead." He knows when I'm not going to budge on something and he knows that this is one of those times.
"Ok I'll go but you call me if you need me ok?" I nod agreeing just before he kisses my forehead and says his goodbyes and I head off to the only place I want to be right now.
For 4 hours I sit on his favorite bench, It's tucked away on the grass bank overlooking the sea and this was always his favorite place to be in good times and bad. We were out here two days before he died... before he left me and the image of his beautiful smile as he looked out at the never-ending ocean will always stay with me.
I reach into my pocket and take out the letter. I've read the words a thousand times but every time hurts just as much as they did the first time that I read them.
Sometimes I wish that Tom hadn't found the letter that night because knowing what it says, knowing the truth constantly feels like a thousand knives slicing me but if he hadn't found it then I know that I would have always questioned his death and I'm not sure how I would have coped, not that I'm coping any better right now.
My husband was one incredible man and loved by so many people that they were standing outside the church because it was full inside and yet I'd never felt so alone. This was once our home, our family, and our friends but none of those include me now nor do I belong in this town anymore.
We moved here for a fresh start and for him to be close to his family again and I loved it here but now that he's gone and everyone hates me this town feels empty, It doesn't feel like home anymore even with Thomas here.
I step inside the hotel that overlooks the ocean and head for room 309. I step inside pull off my shoes and flop on the bed rubbing my aching feet. I take out the letter and again read it. I know I'm torturing myself by doing it but I can't help it nor can I help the tears as they resurface and I let them fall once again.
Aksara