FFMSD – 5

YOLANDA When my stepdad left, I decided to sneak into his bedroom which he shared with my mother. My mother’s belongings are still there, so I went through her things just to feel closer to her again. It keeps getting harder without her. I miss her so much, and I don’t know if this pain would ever go away. I am the only one who is grieving in this house. My father goes on every day as if he did not just lose someone he claimed to love, and I just don’t get him. He is both hot and cold. Just when I start thinking that someone cares about me, he cannot wait to get rid of me. I was hurt when he mentioned that I should apply for the university school residence so that I live there. It breaks my heart that they could not show all these colours when my mother was still alive, but that is okay. I am strong and I can’t WAIT to get the hell out of here and start my life somewhere far away. I should apply to a university that is far away from here. Anyway, I found my mother’s favourite purple satin nightdress. I can remember how she would wear it and my stepfather would randomly start dancing with her because he loved the dress on her. If anything, my stepfather loved my mother. I can remember how he looked at her, touched her, and spoke to her. Sigh. But he hates me. While he was gone, I stripped my pyjamas off and wore the nightdress. It fits alright, but not as perfectly as it was on my beautiful mother. I got on the side of the bed she slept on every day and hugged her pillow tight as I cried. I did not mean to pass out, but I was surprised to see my stepfather standing in the middle of the room, looking at me in shock. Oh, God. He was not supposed to find me in his suite. He is going to think I go through his stuff whenever he is not around. Oh, I just gave him a valid reason to hate me and kick me out. Thando is going to be so happy. “Daddy, I… I am sorry,” I start crying. These damn tears! “I didn’t mean to, I was… please don’t kick me out of your house, I promise I will not do it again,” I spit out, panicking. “Whoa, relax, Yolanda. Why would you think that I would ever do that to you?” He calmly asks and slowly makes his way to me. “Because, daddy I got into your bedroom and went through mom’s things without your permission. I am sorry,” “You did nothing wrong, Yolanda. You have every right to come into the bedroom and mourn your mother. I will never stop you from doing that. You are my daughter, so why would you think that I would ever kick you out? Never let those words out of your mouth again, do you hear me?” I nod, even though I don’t believe him. I attempt to get off the bed, but he stops me. “Where are you going?” “To my bedroom. I am sorry,” “Stop apologising, baby girl, and go back to sleep. I will use the guestroom.” *** I woke up very early in the morning because I remembered the chores I was given to do. I made my father’s bed tidy and went to my bedroom to make mine. I then went to the bathroom to take a bath and do my hair, but before I could wear my school uniform, I just settled on my bathrobe, not forgetting to put on my undergarments because I still need to make breakfast for everyone. I do not mind today because I had a good sleep, but I don’t know if I can go on doing this for a long time. How was my mother able to take care of the house, her husband, and three kids, and on top of that, she had to go to work? She used to work at a children’s home, and she loved kids so much. She also ran an NGO feeding scheme for homeless people, and she was loved by so many people. It is such a shame that she is gone now, but she left a mark that will always be respected by everyone who got a chance to meet her and know her. My mother; Mrs. Mary Martinez. I still use my father’s last name, Xaba. I decided on making my mom’s favourite breakfast to honour her today. A vegetable omelette. I set up the breakfast table and as soon as I am done, I went back to my bedroom to dress up for school. As soon as I come back, I find Anele sitting alone around the table. “Good morning, sis,” She says. “Did you make these?” “Good morning, Squishy. Yes, I did,” “Mom’s favourite,” She mentions in a low tone. “Yeah, I thought I should make this to honour her. So, where are Thando and dad? Have they come down yet?” I settle down next to her. Just as I ask, dad comes down and I immediately drop my eyes, ashamed of what I did last night. I felt him holding me, calling me Marry, thinking that I was mom. I felt guilty, but I did not mean to do what I did. I just missed my mom and wanted to feel closer to her, that’s all. “Good morning,” He says, and I mumble back my greeting. Thando comes down, in her phone as always. Let me tell you what kind of a girl Thando is. Popular, spoiled, mean, groupie, and sometimes a bully. I did not realise that I hated her until my mother’s passing. “Daddy, I need want the latest iPhone,” That is her; no greetings, just demands. “Sit down, I want to talk to all of you,” Dad sonorously says, making my heart throb with nerves. What if he brings out what I did last night to try and embarrass me? Oh, God. “Dad,” I try saying something, but he harshly lifts his finger up, telling me to shut up. “Yolanda, what happened at mom’s funeral? Why were you always alone, and never got into our car with us?” Why is he pretending not to know when he sent his family and Thando to tell me to take the bus because the cars were too full? “Dad?” “Do not dad me, Yolanda. I specifically made it clear that we should all stick together, but you chose to do things your way. Did you want people to pity you and think that we outcasted you?” I widen my eyes, looking at him flabbergasted. I look at Thando who does not dare to keep up her eyes. What is going on here? My tears better not betray me. “Dad, it was aunty and grandma,” Anele bursts out and starts crying. “They did not want her and they made it seem like it was your order. And Thando-“ “Don’t you dare!” Thando spits at Anele, pointing at her with her finger. Now that I have a clear idea of what happened, I abruptly stand and rush to get my back before I storm out of the house, leaving them to call out my name. *** School had been a drag. I had a lot to catchup on, and the worst part is that Fana has been avoiding me. I want to know what happened the day my dad found us almost kissing. The school is almost out, and I am hoping to catch him before he goes home. “Yolanda, have you found your matric dance gown, already?” Sindi, my friend asks. “Uhm, huh? When is it again?” I ask, lost in my own world. “You are kidding, right?” “Uhm, my head is all over the place these days,” “Clearly, but I can understand and forgive you for now. So, are you and Fana going to attend the ball as dates, or singles?” “You will be my date, Sindi,” “Oh, please. I am going to ask your sexy daddy to be my date. I saw him yesterday when he came to the school’s office, and girl, you should have seen how girls were melting over him. So tall, dark, and handsome. His bald head, hazel eyes, and gosh, his muscular body. He is probably in his twenties because I’d be damned if a hot-looking young man like him was in his thirties. Without saying a word, I burst into a loud laugh, forgetting that I was in class. “Who is that?” Mrs. Rosenburg asks. “Oh, it is you, Yolanda. It is good to see that smile again,” I shyly smile, looking at my friend before I shake my head. “Don’t look at me like that. Your dad is a snack. I can already imagine myself in those big arms. The blacker the berry the sweeter the juice. Watch out because I might end up being your stepmom,” “Oh, my God. Shut up.” I say, still laughing. *** “Fana, please wait for me… Fana!” I shout, running after him. He abruptly turns aggressively and yells at me. “WHAT!?” “Fana, can we talk?” I ask, trying to understand why he is mad at me. “About what, Yolanda?” “Us, Fana… and what happened the other day, please,” “There is nothing to talk about, Yolanda,” “Why are you so angry? What happened?” “Do you need me to spell it out for you, Yolanda? WE ARE DONE, it’s over between us! So stay the hell away from me, do you hear me?” He turns and starts walking away. I can feel eyes piercing on me, and my legs feel wobbly. I am not going to cry, but I won’t lie, it hurts so much. Why did Fana have to do this to me in front of everyone? “Yolanda, get in the car,” I get startled by my father’s voice. When the hell did he get here? My day started badly, and it ends badly too. I hate my life. Ignoring him and everyone watching me, I walk to the car, get in, and shut the door. I did not know that he was going to come and fetch us. Thando is already taking the front seat, and Anele and I are in the backseat. Dad came with his charcoal grey Audi RS3, and if it is not girls drooling over him, it is boys who cannot stop staring at the car. I must be used to my rich dad, living a lavish life because to me, it is normal. The mansion we live in, the underground garage with more than fifteen exotic cars, google smart home, and all of that, it is just normal to me, and I do not even like bragging about it. My eyes meet with dad’s eyes in the rear-view mirror. I do not drop them because I want him to see the pain through my eyes. He clears his throat and starts the car ignition. I think I know what I want for my eighteenth birthday… to get the hell out of here.